Things I thought

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Day 1 - Going Down

Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

I remember the blood rushing through my ears and the sick cramp in my stomach as the judge passed her sentence. My probation officer, my lawyer and the law of the land all agreed that I should not go to jail. Rupert Murdoch had dropped the charges. But this woman, alone and unaccountable, was having none of it. There were rules, she said, but she, like I, was willing to break them to make a political point. I got 6 weeks.

My girlfriend was in tears and I was in shock as I was led into custody. The man who took me down worked for SERCO, a private contractor, the same one currently bidding to run the probation service. My own probation officer was hard working and overworked, dedicated, caring, fastidious and fair. I dread to think of the plight of future defendants if his job is taken by the lazy gang of plastic pigs who clumsily processed me.

The one exception was Amy, SERCO's sole female guard. She came and asked if I was OK and I burst into tears. As she comforted me I told her about my son and the summer I would miss with him.

Minimarbles, if you are reading this, whenever that is, I am deeply sorry from the depths of my heart. I love you and miss you. Not seeing you is my real punishment here; the only one I care about, anyway.

My first contact with another prisoner, in the dungeon beneath Westminster Magistrates Court was a trifle unsettling. As the plastic SERCO pig opened the door to my new, temporary digs the man inside (we shall call him Dangermouse, because that is not his name) leapt to his feet. He wasn't supposed to be put in with anyone else, he protested. There had been problems. Violence. The look of fear in his eyes matched the one growing in my heart, but the SERCO screw locked the door on us anyway.

The mood soon changed once I introduced myself to Dangermouse and we got talking. I was relieved to hear that we would soon be furnished with dinner and tobacco. Dangermouse and I traded prison tips for protest anecdotes till the time came for my appeal.

To nobody's great surprise the same power-drunk petty dictator who had sentenced me also refused my bail application. She did not give her reasons. It must be excruciating to live a life where everything you do is so utterly predictable.

An hour later and we're rolling through the gates of Wandsworth Prison. Its 40 foot walls are iced with barbed wire and spikes, which I reckon is gilding the lilly, to be honest. Who has a 40 foot ladder?

I'd been advised by Dangermouse not to say what I'd done, just that I was in for assault. This plan went up like a lit fart the moment I stepped into E-Wing. “Oi, Pie man!” shouted one of my fellow lags. A few cons camme over to alternately shake my hand and take the piss. We had some of what I believe is known colloquially as “banter”, something I have not enjoyed since university. It is not like riding a bike.

I was introduced to an “insider”- a prisoner whose job it is to show n00bs like me the ropes. I'm told I'll be on E wing for a week before being moved. “Go to A wing if you want a quiet life” says a man who was not called Donatello “Go to B or C if you like socialising. If they try to take you to D wing, protest. That's where they put all the drug addicts”.

I've already been advised to keep my tobacco in my sock and never leave it in my cell. “It's the main currency in here” confides Donatello “That and coffee”. Suddenly I wish I was better at giving stuff up.

My tobacco comes, along with a bag of sundries: 1 plastic plate, 1 plastic bowl, 1 plastic knife, fork and spoon, 1 plastic cup which I immediately lose, 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 toothbrush, 2 sachets of shampoo which state that they have not been tested on animals, 1 bar of soap which does not, 1 envelope, 1 pen, 1 sheet of HM prisons paper. The spartan functionality of my welcome pack immediately focuses the mind. I decide straight away that the item in shortest supply is paper. Donatello quickly finds me some, through some quasi-contraband process which I do not understand, but for which I am eternally grateful.

That night I watch Celebrity Juice with Mr. Magoo, a sickly Romanian man recovering from an operation who is my new cell mate. Celebrity Juice is easily the worst thing that has happened to me in jail so far.

As I lie on my bunk drifting to sleep I notice a 2Pac quote inked on the wall above my head.

“Please father, I'm a sinner
I'm living in hell
Just let me live on the street
cos there ain't no peace in jail.”

I hope this place won't be like that. Maybe 2Pac was a wimp.


You can read about what happened on Day 2 here

22 comments:

  1. Sadly if I had been in charge I'd have had you whipped you moron. (get it cream whipped) This was about having him talk tell us apologize for what his media empire had done wrong, you took all this away, but worse you idiot you attacked an eighty year old bloke, which just shows how pathetic you are by not knowing you would get the people on his side, even I ended up feeling sorry for him. How much did they pay you to do it.

    assaulting an eighty year old person and you did not see the problem

    ReplyDelete
  2. Robert - you felt sorry for Rupert Murdoch? Seriously? Have a little think about what you just wrote then go lie down for a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Robert
    I thought this originally too, but seeing how totally ineffective inquiry was Marbles is probably closest thing we'll see to any sort of retribution

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bratton headed up the LAPD during the Anthony Pellicano investigation. Pellicano was caught with illegal federal and local police wiretap recordings of Hollywood celebrities, just the kind of material that was of interest to Rupert Murdoch in the UK. It’s quite clear who and what was behind the recent English riots that have improved the image of the British police and taken the public eye off Murdoch to the point where Cameron can install Bratton, an American, as their chief. London Mayor Boris Johnson, a Tory, was born in New York City.

    The Wayne Madsen Report calls it reverse colonization…

    ReplyDelete
  6. Robert, you are a dick. The enquiry was a joke. We're talking about a paper plate of foam, suitable for a clown such as Murdoch. Jonnie, do you have any plans to bring action against Rupert's mail order bride Wendi for assault? I hope you do.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Besides my C course, I have a job and family, both of which compete to get my time. I couldn't find sufficient time for the challenging C assignments, and these people came in and saved my skin. I must commend them for the genius Programming Assignment Help. Their C Homework Help tutors did the best job and got me shining grades.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am looking for a Statistics Assignment Help expert for Statistics Homework Help. I have struggled enough with statistics and therefore I just can't do it anymore on my own. . I have come across your post and I think you are the right person to provide me with SPSS homework help. Let me know how much you charge per assignment so that I can hire you today.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Matlab Assignment Help helped me to complete my seventh Matlab assignment, which was also the best-performed! It scored 92/100, which I've never scored before on any other assignment/exam in my lifetime. Otherwise, their service was as quick as usual. The delivery was also on time. I'm now requesting to use this same programmer multiple times. He seems the best in Image Processing tasks. Meanwhile, I'll ask for more Matlab Homework Help soon.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have just come across your post and I believe this is exactly what I am looking for. I want an economics assignment help from a tutor who can guarantee me a top grade. Do you charge per page or does it depend on the
    bulk of the economics homework help being completed? More to that if the work is not good enough do you offer free corrections.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi, other thaneconomics assignment help
    are there other subjects that you cover? I am having several assignments one needs an economics homework help expert and the other one needs a financial expert. If you can guarantee quality work on both then I can hire you to complete them. All I am sure of is that I can hire you for the economics one but the finance one I am not sure.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Me and my classmates took too long to understand Matlab Assignment Help pricing criteria. we're always grateful for unique solutions on their Matlab assignments. Matlab Homework Help experts have the right experience and qualifications to work on any programming student's homework. They help us in our project.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey STATA homework help expert, I need to know if you can conduct the Kappa measurement of agreement. This is what is in my assignment. I can only hire someone for statistics assignment help if they are aware of the kappa measurement of agreement. If you can do it, then reply to me with a few lines of what the kappa measure of agreement is. Let me know also how much you charge for statistics homework help in SAS.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The ardent Programming Homework Help tutor that nailed down my project was very passionate. He answered my Python questions with long, self-explanatory solutions that make it easy for any average student to revise. Moreover, he didn't hesitate to answer other questions, too, even though they weren't part of the exam. If all Python Homework Help experts can be like this then they can trend as the best Programming school ever online.

    ReplyDelete
  15. How much do you charge for a Statistics Assignment Help task? Take, for statistics assignment experts my case, where I need you to provide me with the Statistics Homework Help on plotting a scatter plot with a regression line? How much should that cost? Do you charge on the basis of the workload or have a constant payment?

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have submitted my assignment to your website without any challenges. The economics assignmenthelp expert handling my assignment has already contacted me and I am certain that my work is underway. I am just hoping that I will get quality economics homework help. I have a lot of hopes in you and I am just hoping that you will not disappoint me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. As much as there are discouragements, it is true that mathematics is hard. Like in my case, I was never discouraged by anyone about math but I still find it very hard and that is why I am requesting your Math assignment help. I am tired of struggling with mathematics and spending sleepless nights trying to solve sums that I still don’t get right. Having gone through your Math homework help, I am sure that I will get the right help through you. Please tell me what I need to be able to hire you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Just what I was looking for. I am struggling with my accounting assignment. I want anaccounting assignment help tutor to offer me two services. One is to complete my accounting assignments and the other is to provide me with online classes. I believe you are experienced enough to offer bothaccounting homework help and online classes. I know you charge based on the bulk. Tell me how much you charge for the online classes per hour.assignments

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hey there, I need an Statistics Homework Help expert to help me understand the topic of piecewise regression. In our lectures, the concept seemed very hard, and I could not understand it completely. I need someone who can explain to me in a simpler way that I can understand the topic. he/she should explain to me which is the best model, the best data before the model and how to fit the model using SPSS. If you can deliver quality work then you would be my official Statistics Assignment Help partner.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I don’t have time to look for another expert and therefore I am going to hire you with the hope that I will get qualityeconomics assignment help. .Being aneconomics homework help professor I expect that your solutions are first class. All I want to tell you is that if the solutions are not up to the mark I am going to cancel the project.

    ReplyDelete
  21. That is a huge number of students. Are they from the same country or different countries? I also want your math assignment help. I want to perform in my assignments and since this is what you have been doing for years, I believe you are the right person for me. Let me know how much you charge for your math homework help services.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hello. Please check the task I have just sent and reply as soon as possible. I want an adjustment assignment done within a period of one week. I have worked with an Accounting Homework Help tutor from your team and therefore I know it’s possible to complete it within that period. Let me know the cost so that I can settle it now as your Accounting Assignment Help experts work on it.

    ReplyDelete